If you’ve ever found yourself wondering what Alien (1979) would be like if it were a straight-up comedy, I’d like to direct your attention to 2012’s Space Milkshake, the most profoundly stupid thing I’ve watched all week. I have zero regrets because it’s the kind of low-budget, bonkers movie I love throwing on when life gets too serious and I want my escapism to actually feel earned. Both my kids have been home sick from school. They’re throwing up everywhere. I don’t like the kind of goo I have to clean up while I’m trying to work between cyclical vomiting spells and gratuitous ice-pop recoveries. But alien goo? Pass me the Kool-Aid.
Not only is there plenty of goo, there are also other things that make Space Milkshake worth your time. Babes in bubble baths. Time travel. Wisecracking AI. Sandwiches. Oh yeah, and a sentient rubber duck that may or may not actually be a giant, hostile, tentacled creature named Gary (voiced by George Takei).
Space Milkshake 2012
Like I said, this movie is super dumb. But it’s fun dumb. It’s well-thought-out dumb. It’s 87 minutes you’ll never get back, but you won’t feel like you lost anything because the humor lands, as juvenile as it may be.
Sanitation Is Risky Business
Space Milkshake takes place on the Regina, a sanitation space station inhabited by four crew members, Captain Anton (Billy Boyd), his on-again, off-again partner Valentina (Amanda Tapping), borderline goth baddie Tilda (Kristin Kreuk), and naive newcomer Jimmy (Robin Dunne). Almost immediately, Jimmy is put to work solving impossible tasks, like fixing the entire mainframe he was just introduced to and finding a workaround that lets the crew eat something other than sandwiches. Sandwiches are their primary form of sustenance. They come from a sandwich machine, the only source of food on the ship. Every day at lunch feels like a game of Russian roulette, but with questionable cold cuts.
Space Milkshake 2012
Everybody aboard the Regina sticks to a strict schedule. It doesn’t matter what kind of disaster is unfolding or what kind of labor-intensive job they’re in the middle of. If Wendi (Amy Matysio), their AI companion, says it’s time for lunch, it’s time for lunch. If it’s time to play Scrabble, it’s time to play Scrabble, and so on.
Their routine takes a turn for the worse during a one-off, unsanctioned garbage retrieval mission, when Jimmy stumbles upon an interdimensional device known as the Time Cube, which is either a planet-destroying weapon, a time machine, or both. After he disrupts the very fabric of reality by interacting with it, a number of unfortunate things happen. First, Tilda is secretly killed and replaced by her alien doppelganger, and nobody seems to notice or care.
Space Milkshake 2012
Then, even worse, Valentina’s beloved rubber ducky has a doppelganger too, and it’s actually her ex-boyfriend, Gary, in disguise. Thanks to the rift in the space-time continuum, everybody aboard the Regina is living on a timeline where Earth is devoid of life, meaning they can’t contact ground control.
As their sandwich supply continues to dwindle and Gary evolves closer to his final, terrifying form, it’s up to Jimmy to maintain the peace and restore their original timeline while all hell breaks loose aboard the ship. If you thought things couldn’t get any more chaotic, Jimmy doesn’t know Tilda is an alien clone, and as they continue to bond, he falls in love with her, which only complicates things further.
Come For The Crew, Stay For The Goo! 
Space Milkshake 2012
One conversation I have more than I’ll ever care to admit is how most modern movies have a disappointing lack of goo. If you’re like me and can’t get enough of that sweet, sweet goo, all you have to do is stick around for Space Milkshake’s third act. You’ll get your fix.
Space Milkshake is painfully low-budget, but honestly doesn’t look too bad all things considered. The only information I can find about the film’s financials suggests Telefilm Canada supported 11 films for a total investment of $9 million. If that was split evenly, it’s fair to estimate this one came in at around $800,000.
Space Milkshake 2012
Despite its obvious limitations, the establishing shots of the space station don’t look half bad, and the creature effects, while clearly from the “affordable CGI” bin, get the job done without taking you completely out of the movie. The real appeal comes from the cast’s chemistry, especially Billy Boyd’s Anton, who’s disproportionately arrogant for a captain with startlingly little to bring to the table.
In case you didn’t already pick up on this, Space Milkshake isn’t high art. It is, however, wildly entertaining, and exactly what you need if you’ve been watching too many existential heavy hitters and want a break. If you’re willing to endure the cold void of space as a rubber duck named Gary wreaks havoc on an unsuspecting sanitation crew, you can stream Space Milkshake for free on Tubi as of this writing.
Space Milkshake 2012