By Robert Scucci
| Published 7 seconds ago
Back in the 80s, being ugly on screen basically meant throwing a pair of glasses and some baggy clothes on a smokin’ hot babe. The most blatant case of this, at least to my knowledge, is 1988’s Alien from L.A., starring Kathy Ireland, who not only appeared in 13 consecutive Sports Illustrated swimsuit issues, but also landed on the cover three times.
In the movie, which plays like a strange combination of The Wizard of Oz and Journey to the Center of the Earth, our hero sets out to find the lost city of Atlantis, rescue her missing father, overcome her alleged homeliness, and show her surface-dwelling ex-boyfriend what he’s missing out on, all before riding off into the sunset on her new dude’s motorcycle.
Ironically, Alien from L.A., a direct-to-VHS outing, was followed by its straight-to-video sequel, Journey to the Center of the Earth (1989). After watching this one, I don’t think I’ll be watching that one. But it exists, and both titles are streaming on Tubi, so you can do whatever you want with that information.
These Glasses Are Holding Me Back!
Alien from L.A. is insulting to your intelligence in just about every way. We’re introduced to Wanda Saknussemm (Kathy Ireland), a woman who clearly hits the gym nine days a week, has long, flowing hair, and legs for days. If only it weren’t for those pesky glasses that are supposed to convince the viewer she’s a dud, as if no mortal man has ever fantasized about a sexy librarian. She also speaks in an incredibly squeaky voice that becomes a running joke.
Anyhow, her boyfriend Robbie (Don Michael Paul) dumps her for not being adventurous, whatever that means, and this sends our covert hottie on a soul-searching excursion to Zamboanga, North Africa, in search of her long-lost father, Professor Arnold Saknussemm (Richard Haines). As the legend goes, Arnold disappeared while searching for the lost city of Atlantis, claiming the city is of alien origin.
While digging through her father’s belongings, Wanda falls into a seemingly bottomless pit and eventually ends up in a strange underground society inhabited by miners who have never breached the surface. Though these inhabitants look just like humans, they refer to Wanda as an alien. Soon enough, she learns what’s truly at stake, but only after a bounty is placed on her head for invading their community.
What follows is a series of events involving a miner named Gus (William R. Moses), a shadowy government conspiracy led by General Rykov (Janie Du Plessis) tied to her imprisoned father, a steady stream of jokes about Wanda’s squeaky voice (it’s an affectation, she can stop talking like this whenever she wants), and a hunky rogue agent named Charmin’ (Thom Mathews).
Truly Terrible, But Also Kind Of Fun
After sitting through Alien from L.A., I’m still not sure what to make of it. It’s contrived, overtly campy, and the hero’s journey never fully clicks. When the film finally wraps, Robbie sees Wanda in a bikini and suddenly realizes he was dating a stone cold fox the entire time. Of course, this happens after Wanda wakes up from her “dream” and, in a clear callback to The Wizard of Oz, says as much.
If the movie has anything going for it, it’s the set design, which is actually pretty neat in that kitschy, low-budget way. Think foam rock formations with dry ice pumping behind them, along with some surprisingly fun city shots that give everything a cartoony vibe. Throw in Deep Roy’s Mambino character with the comically long eyelashes that are never explained, and you’ve got a bizarre viewing experience that won’t teach you anything new and might actually make you a little dumber in the process.
As of this writing, you can stream Alien from L.A. and its sequel, Journey to the Center of the Earth, for free on Tubi.