“But we’re going to build a wall—a big, beautiful, transparent shield—and we’re going to make Mars pay for it.
CAPE CANAVERAL, FL — Standing before a gleaming Space Force rocket and a crowd of supporters wearing “Make the Galaxy Great Again” hats, President Donald Trump promised Tuesday that he would finally release the “top-secret, very beautiful” UFO files—provided the American people support his plan to build a massive, 10,000-mile-thick thermal wall around the Earth’s atmosphere.
“The Greys, they’re not sending their best,” Trump told the cheering crowd while gesturing toward the stratosphere. “They’re sending probes. They’re sending abductors. And some, I assume, are good extraterrestrials. But we have no idea who is coming into our orbit. We have Martians coming across the Kármán line by the thousands, and they don’t even have a passport. It’s a disaster.”
The President revealed that his administration has already begun “extreme vetting” for any lifeforms originating from the Andromeda Galaxy, noting that the “Little Green Men” have been taking advantage of Earth’s “open-atmosphere policies” for decades.
“I’ve seen the files. They’re incredible. The technology is very big, very powerful,” Trump continued. “But we’re going to build a wall—a big, beautiful, transparent shield—and we’re going to make Mars pay for it. Believe me, they have a lot of minerals over there. They can afford it. We’re going to use the Space Force—the best people, great pilots—to make sure that if you don’t have a green card, you don’t get to land in Roswell.”
Critics were quick to point out that a physical wall in a vacuum is scientifically impossible, to which White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt responded, “The President has a very high IQ for physics. If he says he can put a gold-plated ‘T’ on the edge of the solar system, he’s going to do it.”
At publishing time, Congressional Democrats had already introduced the “Universal Belonging Act,” which would grant immediate citizenship to any entity that identifies as “trans-planetary” and provide free intergalactic healthcare to any Martian who promises to vote in the 2026 midterms.