By Robert Scucci
| Published 19 seconds ago
1978’s Laserblast is one of those movies that requires you to consult Wikipedia to fully understand what’s going on. Knowing this is important because if you don’t, you may start questioning your own intelligence while trying to make sense of the story it’s attempting to tell. Be kind to yourself, dear reader, because your brain is not broken. This movie is. But don’t let that assessment steer you away from streaming this punisher on Tubi because it’s a perfect B-movie featuring stop-motion aliens, incompetent police officers, and, as its title suggests, a lot of laser blasts.
For every wooden line of dialogue, there’s a pretty neat explosion. For every human interaction that plays like writers Frank Ray Perilli and Franne Schacht were aliens who just learned how humans behave and decided to make a movie about it, there’s some great stop-motion animation. It may be a stretch, but I’m convinced the main character, Billy Duncan (Kim Milford), was a huge fan of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, because his mannerisms when he goes into full rampage mode scream Leatherface.
Billy’s Revenge Arc, Or Whatever You Want To Call It
When Laserblast introduces us to Billy, we bear witness to a momma’s boy who doesn’t like being left alone. He’s in his 20s but still throws a tantrum about living rent free, and unsupervised, in a very nice house. He has a girlfriend named Kathy (Cheryl Smith), who’s also in her 20s and lives with her grandfather, Colonel Farely (Keenan Wynn). This complicates things for Billy because the Colonel doesn’t like him, meaning they have to hang out on the sneak.
One day while wandering through the desert, Billy finds a laser cannon and a strange amulet. Bored and curious, he affixes the cannon to his arm and learns it fires an explosive laser, but only if he wears the accompanying amulet he finds lying on the ground nearby. Once he realizes the scope of his power, he sets out on the war path, vowing to eliminate everybody who has ever wronged him.
If you’re wondering what kind of people have wronged Billy in Laserblast, get a load of this. He’s mad at Deputies Pete Ungar (Dennis Burkley) and Jesse Jeep (Barry Cutler) for giving him a speeding ticket. He was speeding. He’s also mad at some local boys named Chuck (Mike Bobenko) and Froggy (Eddie Deezen) for challenging him to a race he couldn’t participate in because his shaggin’ wagon wouldn’t start on time to compete.
Meanwhile, a group of aliens observe Billy’s actions from afar, speaking in an indecipherable language with no subtitles. The subtext suggests they want their laser back, so let’s just go with that.
You Need A Likeable Protagonist For This To Work
Billy is a total chode in Laserblast, which makes his entire revenge arc hard to sell. Most of the time he’s wandering around moping, and then when somebody breaks his balls he vows to kill them. He’s the kind of person who turns every perceived slight into a personal vendetta. It’s exhausting, and not exactly satisfying when he goes after the people who have allegedly wronged him because it’s just regular everyday stuff that sets him off.
His physical evolution, however, is the most perplexing aspect of Laserblast. The amulet he wears while firing the cannon causes a mysterious growth on his chest, which makes Dr. Mellon (Roddy McDowall) want to investigate further with the help of a government goon named Tony Craig (Gianni Russo). Already in full laserblast mode, it’s implied that Billy becomes more and more like the aliens he stole the device from the more he uses it, resulting in green skin and not much else.
He twists and turns with his laser blaster like Leatherface chasing a damsel in distress, but he lacks the physicality to keep these sequences from becoming unintentionally hilarious. If I sound like an expert on this one, it’s because I read the exhaustive breakdowns on both IMDb and Wikipedia. But if I’m being honest, those writeups give the movie way too much credit. In the movie itself, a bunch of stuff happens that seems vaguely connected, and then there are some rad little alien dudes (David W. Allen’s stop-motion efforts alone make this worth watching) who occasionally chatter , but we never truly know whether they’re good or bad.
As of this writing, Laserblast is streaming for free on Tubi. It’s best not to think too hard about this one and just let it happen to you. It’s amusing, but I’d hardly call it a movie. For what it is, though, it’s definitely entertaining. I thoroughly enjoyed it, but will likely never watch it again.Â